The spontaneous outburst of emotion recorded in tranquility.
(This is gonna sound a little obsessive.)
This is the sound of my mutilation..............
........Silence. Pure and dead. Nothing.......solitude, solitude.......life is lead weights.......my body is a machine for living.......my personality is held together with sellotape.......whenever I look inside myself I'm afraid........I can see all the weakness, I can pick all the faults. I can see all the cold facts, I can see through your eyes......i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here........I don't know whats going on, I only know that this feels wrong.......I've lost my way and found my fear........I've never been this scared........the bitterness inside is growing like a newborn.......I feel the pressure bearing down on me. Something's gonna give sooner or later. Is there a place where I can hide?......waiting for the worms to come.......I dream about how i'll die - I fantasise about my death........So much fun to be had in my head (no more sunshine).......I've never felt more alone.......I never wanted this.......the fear and feeling of hoplessness, I don't want to belong........I am nothing in this universe. Nothing but peices of dust.......I cling to nowhere 'till I fall - the crash of Nothing.........I was born a little damaged man, look what they made.......I am nothing and should be everything........fragments of a life once real now festering and wasting away into nothing.......been living this American lie so long, it's finally becoming my dreams. Find solace in mirrors. My vain reflection staring silently, numb eyes with nothing left to hide gazing blankly at my lost innocence (perverted purity)........I need a reflection to prove I exist........safe and cold and alone.......No love. No hope. No point........life has been unfaithful, and it all promised so much........nothing - the ultimate everything (intravenous nihilism)........why does everybody always pick on me?.......to be abnormal is to be detested........I will never be safe, I will never be sane. I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.......at least a broken dog knows how to lie.......I'm just a sucker with no self esteem - but I really think its better this way........I'm a lonely sorry fool........nobody cares when you're gone.......I think i'm better off alone......I've always been the one to blame.......raindown alienation........I don't need anyone........decaying as I am, need not some promised land.......anti-everything. I care for nothing.......life seems harsh and cruel. I'm all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead seems vague and uncertain........Falling. With no sense of where to. I think I'm gonna die........I hate everyone. And I hate everything........you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings......no-one who cares, no-one.......the sadness will last forever (scream to a sigh)........I'm just a pathetic little nothing. Not even worthy to live a lie. Is death too good an end for me too? So I'm here, waiting in limbo. Alone with my hate.......A pig. In a cage. On antibiotics........I've lost myself, there's nothing left.......I keep looking for something I can't get........I crucify myself everyday........I serve my head up on a plate, cos there's nothing else to do........can't scream, can't shout, so I hurt myself to let pain out.......a desperate excercise to limit pain.......inside my shell I wait and bleed.......locked up in my head.......my mind is dead........I have crawled so far sideways, I recognise dim traces of creation. I wanna die.......God knows, I tried to be something more than I'll ever be.......this terrible honesty.......every day is a day less I have to kill.......it's the simple things that crush, and I'm crying far too much.......I've lost my way again........I am human and I need to belong, just like everyone else.......at school they taught me how to be: so pure in thought and word and deed - they didn't quite succed.......and we cheat and we lie, nobody says its wrong, so we dont ask why........how's it gonna be when there's nothing?.......I'm afraid of ever really being alone. Oh, wait. Too late.......I've seen my future. Absolutely nothing. I think It's safe to say things are looking up.......life is ace, and I feel GREAT, cos my mum told me, I was a GREAT MISTAKE......people can be so cruel.......some of us are really born to die........life had just begun, and now I've gone and thrown it all away.......life bleeds, death is your birthright........life is a lie.......can't see anything real. Blinded by pain.......what price now for a shallow piece of dignity?.......walk away walk away, gotta walk away........I'm dying on loneliness........there's not one single thought that's left.......don't go hoping for a miracle, all this will fade away.......I live in the numbness, in the background.......blinding my eyes with hatred of myself........lately I've been feeling that I'm gonna give up breathing.......cos every inch of hope becomes a world of shame I've had to walk through each and every day.........the worst place in the world, in the whole wide world........no escape except through my hate.......there's nothing nice in my head (the adult world took it away)........I wish I could find a way to disappear - I'm about to break.......these sunless afternoons I can't seem to find myself.......lost in my darkness.......Alienation. Aloneness. Despair........all sense of who I am has been swallowed by the darkness. And I walk alone through the stars and the sky........I'll be a shadow.......thin away to insignificance and oblivion.......too much pressure to take. I've felt this way before, so insecure.......naked and lonely within my fears.......human and useless.......ugly, useless and over-inflated.......accepting living death as a substitute for real life.......fragments crawling like cobwebs on stone.......I thought I told you when, I can't drink this side of Hell, and I know there's not a single way to fight it........pressures of life, confusion is strife.......everyday afraid and deranged.......I retreat into self-pity, it's so easy........sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.......can't remember a time when I've felt needed.......I'm the kinda guy who just can't last.......suicide is painless, it brings on many changes........like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown, this time I'm coming down.......where I get lost you can lead me - the blood dries up like the dry river and it's gone. No fear - the names are gone and the words and the fear gone. Show me where I can get lost........reality's empty: without life, or warmth, or colour or sound: without meaning - a playing of illusions on the shallow void - nothing else......no more hope for better days......all the hopes and dreams ripped right apart at the seams.......I feel lost inside.......sweet nothingness.......safety in death.......this still life is all I ever do........I knew it would come to this when everything had ended......lost again......darkness, cold and silent.......no-one cares, everyone's guilty.......its too late......so worthless......its been too long.......don't give in......I can't go on........losing control........from despair, to where?........hold on........it hurts.......life is too much........breathe, keep breathing.......I've taken too much pain........I've given all I can, its not enough.........no desire for life........I'm all alone....... help? .... ... .. . Its all over now.......don't have to be strong anymore.......I've lost myself........so damn easy to cave in........lost in the words. They engulf, they impale. Yet in the need to express they constantly fail........words come, and then they go........the words have all decayed........words mean nothing........these words have no meaning. These aren't words, they're feelings.......the eloquence in screaming.......too weak to live. Too weak to die. So I sit in the middle. Waiting......nothing left.......driving me mad.......still life bleeds........and every days the same.......slow down, slow down......I have to change to stay the same........have to run the fastest I can just to stay the same.......learn to love despair.......so cold.......I thought the winter could protect me from everything, - I'm just too gulliable for words.......lonelieness in the eternal cold........I've come to the end. And now I know - everything just means nothing at all.......not even going to die with dignity.......nothing ever ends the way you want it to.......I dont know what I'm scared of or what I even enjoy.......I don't know what to feel anymore.......just as empty as it seems........NOTHING. So teenage and desperate. NOTHING........I want to feel alive.......need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness........I've been broken in 2 and I can't scream........you only seem to want to hurt me. I'm all alone.......I talk to God, but the skies are empty..........can't go on living this lie.......happy on the outside, dying inside.......never felt so lonely. Never felt so out of place.......life becoming a landslide.......don't want to play this game anymore......I seem to have forgotten the warmth of the sun.........I've seen the light of suicide. And I'm dying.......I feel so empty. But I'm not afraid. I like it........I feel numb, and I just don't care.......living life like a comatose.......have I gone too far inside my mind?........so long since I felt anything........society is no comfort to one not sociable.......one of the faceless millions with pretensions to be something more then I'll ever be........another stupid thing that I've done wrong.......I won't do what you tell me........can't speak, can't think. Won't talk, won't walk.......I'm not a vegetable, I will not control myself, I spit upon the hand that feeds me........Self-worth scatters, self-esteem's a bore. - Such beautiful dignity in self-control........my eyes are turning grey again. I'm forgeting what it ever felt like to be awake.......there's nothing I wanna see. There's nowhere I wanna go.......I messed up again, its all my fault.......I regret everything.........always been dissatisfied.........I've gotta run away, I've gotta get away.......everything has changed........daylight bores the sunshine out of me.........I should have been the one......I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.......I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I wanna perfect body, I wanna perfect soul.......I wanna walk on the snow, and not soil its purity.......the best shield is to accept the pain, then what can truly destroy me?.......can't shout, can't scream, so I hurt myself to get pain out.......a hymn to eternal emptiness.......why do anything when you can do nothing?.......I'm more dead than alive.......there's no comforting pain........tears of rage I cannot fight.......you know the best things in life aren't for me........so very tired of living this life.........oh God, I hope I'm alright, cos Im gonna cry........I can't take anymore - is there anything im gonna miss? cos I dont care........I've been drained. Emotion is a bitter thing........I think sex is over-rated.........childish, so childish.........the feeling has gone.......I feel no pain and I feel no pleasure. I can't feel anything, and I don't want to either........nothing to feel but empty love.......it's a better way to feel, when you're not real.......hollow and of no use.......look on the bright side, (suicide).......destroyed by madness - anxiety is freedom.......taking me over.......I'm sick of not living.......there's nothing worse than being surrounded by people and feeling like you're all alone.......I don't care if I'm not here tomorrow.......it's all just a facade, nothing really matters........never counted - never mattered - never be.......in my mind, I'm so ugly........the sadness will last forever, baby it's here to stay........no one can depress me more than I can.......self-disgust is self-obsession, and i do as I please. - I believe in nothing, but it is my nothing. - If you stand up like a nail then you will be knocked down. I've been too honest with myself, should have lied like everyone else.......the perils of keeping it real.......now I realise you never heard 1 goddamned word I ever said......I feel disgusted, and you should too........all the pain. all the hate. Kept inside for too long.......how does it feel, to treat me like you do? HOW DOES IT FEEL??.........with you I never felt more alone.......I can only disappoint you, cos I always let you down........cold eyes watching me dispassionately, finding me wanting.........you say you'll love me forever. Then you spit on me. I don't want to be your pathetic little loser. Someone you can ignore. I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore. I'm not gonna let you hurt me anymore.......you abused me. You hurt me in a way I've never known.......I trusted - misleading - how could you do this to me?........you make it harder than Hell......so far under, your believing your own lies........I feel so insecure, I can't save something I feel so much for.........I got nothing to lose without you, got nothing to prove without you........useless and used.......just when I opened up my heart, the one you used to love came and ripped it right apart.........thank you so much, disappointments what I need, my ambitions over-rated.......I'm already dead.......deceit can't save you.......how'd you like to be alone and drowning?......been thinking about you, so how can you sleep? these people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet.........if you want these kind of dreams........awake you escape me.......I miss you........it feels like Hell to be alone.......all the rage eats you up inside, eats you alive........while you decay, who will answer your prayers?........no-one cares about the sadness I feel.........so this is how it feels when you've got no-one........everybody's gone, and I've been here too long. Well I guess this is growing up.........I don't want to be alone. I'm useless on my own........pathetic and nothing, crawling in the mess that you left behind you.......death means nothing now. I already died inside the day you left.........the nights are cold and lonely.......I am still living with your ghost (it haunts me)........am I supposed to die alone?........I will see you in the next life........I'll be the corpse in your bathtub. - useless.......you could have been number 1, and we could have had so much fun, but you blew it.........you cut me deeply, and the scars still show........these wounds they will not heal.......mutilated, whimpering and terribly alone.......if I could make a list of my mistakes and regrets, I'd put you at the top, and every lie I'd collect........why do I never seem to learn that love is wrong? because I need you........I see you searching for something I could never give you. A sadness I can't erase. All alone.......I never asked for much, just someone to trust.......a thousand knives left in my back. Protecting me? such an irony........you've destroyed my self-esteem. Trampled on the ground under all your lies. What can I do? I still feel for you, but It feels like nothing I've ever known before. Unbearable pain as I watch you from afar, frightened and unable to say anything. A mute. Being eaten alive by my love.........you lied to me, you lied to me........I guess you just don't care.......you slit the throat of my confidence. And you laughed........I hope you choke on your rules........looking back, all I see is things I shoulda changed, I shoulda done. Where did the good times go? good times are so hard to hold, a wasted life is bitter spent. This time, this time, this time im gonna rise into the light........I don't blame myself for feeling the way I do. I blame you........one day, you will feel how I feel now........wait another night planning my revenge........It's been a long time coming........you destroyed me. You choked me to this with your morals, and now you're gonna pay.........you'll get the loneliest of feelings that either way you turn I'll be there........I'm your nightmare. The darkness, and the fear of darkness in your heart. A black mirror to reflect everything you will not confront. The dream is over, I have taken it away. You shall know forever exactly what you are, and how little that means.......one day, I am gonna grow wings........I wont let you hide.......revenge will be so sweet (and we'll live happily ever after).........I won't hurt no more........suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism........soft darkness. Dreamless sleep........no-one ever lacks good reason for suicide.......suicide isn't chosen. It results when the pain exceeds the resources coping with it.......everlasting nothingness........close my eyes and dream I'm awake........
.........(phew, for a minute there I lost myself, I lost myself)